​The Dark Lord's therapy session

The Dark Lord's therapy session: a deep dive into the mind of he who keeps losing

FragTherapist: Welcome, Tom. Or would you prefer Lord Voldemort?

Voldemort: *hisses* You may call me Lord Voldemort.

FragTherapist: Alright, Voldemort. What brings you here today?

Voldemort: The same as always. A certain bespectacled child ruining my plans. Every. Single. Time. rubs temples I mean, I’ve got legions of Death Eaters, Horcruxes, a massive snake, and yet — here I am. Again.

FragTherapist: It sounds like you feel frustrated.

Voldemort: Frustrated? FRUSTRATED?! Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to stage a dramatic return, only to be thwarted by a kid who only just learned Expelliarmus? He’s not even that good!

FragTherapist: It must be hard putting in so much effort and not getting the result you want.

Voldemort: Exactly! I spent YEARS crafting the perfect villain arc. I went from tragic orphan to the most feared wizard of all time! And yet, Hogwarts still names common rooms after those other founders instead of me! Where’s the House of Voldemort?!

FragTherapist: Have you considered that your obsession with power might be—

Voldemort: Don’t say “a mask for my deep-rooted fear of love.”

FragTherapist: …I was going to say counterproductive.

Voldemort: Right. Look, all I want is to rule the wizarding world and for Potter to STOP BEING A CONSTANT THORN IN MY SIDE! Is that so much to ask?!

FragTherapist: Maybe you should try a different approach. Have you ever considered… I don’t know… therapy before resorting to Avada Kedavra?

Voldemort: …How dare you.

FragTherapist: Okay, okay. Let’s shift gears. How do you handle stress?

Voldemort: I usually scream into the void and throw things. Nagini is a great listener.

FragTherapist: Have you tried… I don’t know… retail therapy?

Voldemort: *suspiciously* Like what?

FragTherapist: Like checking out Fragstore.com. Huge selection of Harry Potter merch by Noble Collection. You can get a replica of your own wand. 

Voldemort: *perks up* My wand?

FragTherapist: Yes! And Horcrux replicas, house scarves, even a Sorting Hat if you want to see which house you’d be in.

Voldemort: …I already know. Slytherin.

FragTherapist: You sure? Maybe you should double-check.

Voldemort: *narrows eyes* …Fine. Maybe after the battle.

FragTherapist: That’s the spirit!

Voldemort: And if I win, I can order a victory mug. One that says, “The Boy Who Lived—Not Anymore.”

FragTherapist: …Baby steps, Voldemort. Baby steps.